...My cousin walked in on me shirtless, doing inclined push-ups while watching anime on the floor, which is generally what happens if you walk in on me unannounced.

Well, he may not be as much of a nerd than me, but he's fairly inclined to fitness; luckily, he surfs, which will compel me to do so more, but he's more inclined to more traditional jock athletic direction: football, track, etc.

He did, however, bring all of his own food, knowing through reputation or warning all of the things that i simply won't eat.

He does drive a kyuusha (old japanese car), though not enthusiastically as me... It's an 89 Celica, dohc and stick, so he's sort of a man. He seems impressed by the Z, but didn't realize that that's what it is, nor that they made them thirty-five years ago...

...I feel like a role model again, and think that sustaining that impression may motivate me. Remember when I used to be cool? Fun? He plays guitar too, so maybe something will get done on that front...

Classes for him start Thursday, I gave him my old engineering books.

Long enough to ( cut... )

...No, I don't like myself.

I've lost touch, largely, with the difference between sane, comfortable, righteous, and caring. I hate myself for what I've done, what I've inspired in people, my failures, that I have failed, and that it has always been so easy for me to rip that which is important to me apart.

I've lost touch with the fact that those things are apples and oranges, and that comfortable and caring aren't somehow interchangable or linked.

Just that everything seems very, very difficult to even think about any more, and that maybe at this point, where the only "safe" things I can do, where I don't feel I'm inadvertantly destroying, or wasting, or ruining are my job, and working out.

Those are the only tethers my brain has in relation to the human world; other than that, I feel apart. I never know what I should be doing.

I listen to my coworkers talk amongst...

I thought, for a few minutes, "You know... I really don't understand women,"

I thought, for a few minutes, "You know... I really don't understand men,"

I then realize that understand no one, and there's no one in my immediate vicinity who meets the standards I keep, which I've been trying to codify, not for practical utilization of them, but to understand what the fuck is going through my head, and if there even exist any people I can even like or find appealing, outside of a few who I still know of.

My friend Ryan stands out as a paramount of meeting those standards, among only a few others. Everyone else around me (not that he is) strikes me as being base, lazy, unscrupulous, careless, inconsiderate, trashy, ignorant...

I think I come up a bit pale under my own standards, but believe me I'm trying... To be my best for everyone, but I've learned that I can't please everyone, so to be as good as I've always known I could be, but haven't been. I'm tired of having my thoughtlessness, selfishness, my ego follies, my inferiority issues interfere with what's important, but at the same time, I know that I'm losing touch with sanity and reality in trying to compensate.

Sometimes I do think I'm right, but feel too bad and untrustworthy to believe myself. Too guilty about what my truths entail. The only obvious thing to me is that other people's faults don't matter, and I can't get hung up on them; it's my faults which matter, and must be corrected by me. No matter what sorts of standards I have for others, my failure is my failure.

And I think I might finally need the help of a shrink, to teach me how to think again. I'm too worn to be as good as I know I can be right now, but I think I might someday know what to do.

But then, I think I might just need friends. And I already do have some good ones.

"Glancing up at the sky, whenever I turn my back against this perfect world, I mumble out... 'Where should I go?' With you, someone who shares the same thoughts that I do,"

...My phone is just about pretty much deceased, is the situation :P It occasionally will allow calls, and occasionally accept text messages, but mainly not... Mostly it's just an annoying excuse for me to take up my dad's continued offer to buy me a new iphone.

...So I haven't been trying to snub people, but to be sure all attempted communications should be routed through some other means, be they smoke signal, AIM, email etc. until this situation is resolved.

Karma somehow, as everyone I tried to call at work hung up on me today :P Need to work my ass off tomorrow...

...After work exhaustion. My car has a sporadic problem that is sporadic enough that it doesn't quite force me to pay to get it fixed; I almost wish it was down for the count, because then my hand would be forced. The other car still needs a fuel pump, and I've had to turn off the sprinklers and the pool filter for the last few days due to something stupid happening, and I really probably have to fix that tomorrow morning before I leave for work, or stupider shit will happen.

...Why does everything in my life seem to always require so much maintenance, and always break simultaneously, when I'm at my most busy, and most ill equipped to deal with it?

It's enough to make me turn even more Buddhist and make a more concerted effort to divorce myself from possessions; in the end, I like my car too much, and in the end, that would be nothing more than a gesture of laziness on my part. I can't wait til I can feel comfortable wasting money by throwing it at those sorts of problems, rather than put any effort forth myself, and having them get in the way of... Life.

I've been exploring my Jungian shadow side; I took time out of being lazy this morning post-workout to write unsent letters to just about everyone I know, as I've heard that's a good technique for getting rid of hangups and whatnot, don't know if it worked.

My mom showed up today with many old VHS tapes of me, from the age of two, right up to the point where I quit being cute. Mercifully.

I miss being a kid. I really do think the world was, on average, working toward being a more classy, less trashy place in the early 90s, and I blame this on Captain Planet. Especially in Anaheim Hills. There was even a bit of filming of my kindergarten class, and a bunch of people I forgot I knew.

My duty is to digitize these, as some of them feature my deceased cousin, whose... Life and death just don't seem that humorous to me any more.

I wish I was that age again; I really was undeniably cute back then, even if my speech patterns were even more bizarre than I think they are interpretted as being now.

For about a year or two, I had a very nice childhood. And I drive through the place where I had it daily; it still looks the same. My hair is turning brown again, like it was back then.

I've truly lived so many lives already.

Supplements.

It comes to my attention that nearly nothing i ake in right now is had by natural means; this begins at the start of the day:

Caffeine to wake me up (and keep me that way) at the day's beginning. A 100% multivitamin to supplement the vitamins i wouldn't get, protein and fiber powder to do the same, added to creatine to give me strength and aid muscle development. My hair doesn't even produce enough moisture naturally; I supplement that.

And at the end of the day, Nyquil to take me down again.

...Don't get me wrong: I feel fairly great, healthwise, better, stronger than ever, and aside from being too cheap to get a haircut, probably look better too. But it's an eerie feeling when nothing is natural...

I am good with machines. I suppose I like to treat myself like one. Fluid changes, polishes, regular maintenance and etc. I just always worry that machines all ultimately break down, explode, or become beaten pieces of junk, on a long timeframe.

...The idea is that you drink something caffeinated, fall asleep immediately thereafter as the drink will typically take up to a half hour to go into service, and wake up at that point, completely refreshed.

This is the standard morning; I am Michael Jackson, with an on/off switch of drugs, requiring half a bottle of Nyquil to make the awake ghosts leave me alone at night, and a weight-lifter quality, genuinely dangerous-labelled caffienated beverage in the morning to allow my heart to beat and my brain to process. Buried in the interim is at least one Red Bull quality drink.

Fucked that up today. An unfortunate side-effect of the initial caffeine is that its delicious, so I became tempted to drink it in the car... I'm wired now, and posting this instead of the usual nap.

1200 calorie breakfast makes me too guilty to eat the protein bar I know I need, despite my half hour run. The large black military man I'm training who calls me "sir" will listen to ANYTHING I say, but apparently needs me there to say it every time, won't listen to anyone BUT me, and has been doing obnoxious, cheaty things to get his numbers up when Im not monitoring him.

I actually do eat quite a bit now, which makes me guilty as it costs more money, and this compels me to spend the weekend in my house, talking to no one, so I cant spend any more. Plus I bought a big bottle of creatine for increased energy and muscle strength, and my weight lifter rage-drinks are expensive. If it was free, I would really, really wish I was at the beach. Newport, San Clemente, I don't care. Its cold today though; cloudy, wont get much over 85.

I love my Z. I polished it, its beautiful, it runs perfectly, and I should post pics of how gorgeous it is right now. Its one of the only things that makes me feel better, and I hardly care about its fuel consumption. I love quirky old Japanese cars in general. There's a car show I might take the Chevy to tonight. I dislike the fact that I get more comments on that car than the Z, mostly from trashy bros and brohos.

I really dislike how the culture that most of my peers at work have bought into is based on the exaltation of trashiness; their speech, music, morals and thoughts reflect this. If there's anything left of me, its my physical prowess and my inclination towards culture and away from ignorance; do things to your utmost, back them with knowledge and thought.

I had a bad dream last night that nothing was left; I visited the desert home of an elderly couple, who blamed the desecration of the ashes of one of their dear relatives on the negligence of one of my friends. I was tested by the crying old woman, by sitting in a chair in her room, being subject to pleasant conversation, playing with her dog... Til she told me, "You seem pleasant, nd as if you're doing quite well; you've avoided The Void longer than anyone."

At which point I felt the void, sucking everything out, giving me a feeling of utter dread. I ran out to the couch where my computer could keep me company in an emergency, and slept there.

I don't know what to do. Ever.

...I binged yesterday. Majorly. I planned to; I've heard a rewarding "cheat" day can be a good motivator and outlet...

I don't think I'm ready for that. I don't know if all you can eat sushi/indian is a good idea. I don't know if I do actually look and feel fatter today because I am, or if its all in my head. I woke up today, felt puffier, thought I looked puffy, ran as hard as I could...

The scale reads five pounds heavier, but I know this is nearly all waste, and water weight from the intense sodium. Nevertheless, I resolved today not to eat; was going fine, wondered before I left if I should eat one 140 calorie fiber bar... Didn't. Broke on the way to work, when the old hunger delirium/faintness returned, and I needed a 310 calorie protein bar. Dammit. Also picked up a caffeine loaded "fat burning" cocktail.

Add to that, its a bad hair day, and very humid, and I'm wearing a shirt that fits horribly, too tight for the loose-ish dress pants I'm wearing. I need a haircut, as its now long enough that collared shirts fuck with it.

God, I'm doing better than I was, but my psychology is still fucked... In my delirium this morning I left for work, only to find that Im not scheduled til noon today. I played DS in the parking lot til i nearly had a panic attack, realizing how wasted the extra four hours would feel if i spent them in my car, fifty feet from where I work, sleeping and playing Sonic.

So I departed for Starbucks, where I am currently. Having more caffeine to rage my heart rate/metabolism, and probably about to study Jap some. Constantly checking myself in my webcam, waiting for the minute my face stops looking so fat.

...Why not a few updates.

My eating has... For the most part evened out. I think. I still binge breakfast and wake up starving... But this binge is one of about 500 fewer calories than has been historical, and, believe it or not, actually makes me feel full...

Which is odd. I'm not used to feeling full. Makes me feel a combination of guilty and uneasy, gives me the random compulsion and instinct to exercise til this feeling goes away. Being full is especially odd when I've taken in significantly fewer calories than my 2800 maximum (and I treat it as a maximum, rather than a requirement, as I'm still suspicious of it...)

I still have a phobia and paranoia about being taken by surprise by some forced meal at some point in my day... Though thank god, people have finally gotten the impression that I just WON'T take free pizza/donuts if they're offered to me, and have desisted with this. Thankfully, these are communal items which people tend to buy and pass around, rather than buy specifically for me (people only still feel the need to give me bagels out of graciousness, upon insisting that they're "healthy").

I think I may need to learn to eat when I'm not necessarily hungry though, as this leads to grave unevenness in my hunger cycle; if I intake 1400 calories one day simply because I'm full, the next day I wind up being ravenous and consuming the full 2800 without being full, at all. Which was yesterday and the day before, but I have no clue how today will be... I was ridiculously full after a 1400 calorie breakfast, and wished I hadn't eaten so much. The BIG relief though, is that I still have gained zero weight... If I do, I might break.

Woo thousand dollar bonus! (Which I'm keeping on the down low, to prevent people from feeling the need to guilt trip me and con me out of it, as people seem to feel the need to do lately)

Though I can't quite keep it from my coworkers, who have general hatred for my team for making this lofty goal, but not for me particularly.

Somehow.

...

As yeah, I've been avoidant of people in general still.

Honestly, I don't see how these people CAN talk so much in general; especially considering the things they talk about. I don't see how they DON'T need an hour of personal, quiet, recharge time after the hectic work environment. Maybe at one time I could have done without so much time for introspection and myself, but that time is not now...

Got conned into getting caught by a particular coworker who's just a REALLY nice, cool guy yesterday, who I happen to share much in common with... Sort of meticulous about grooming, fitness, fairly adventurous, drives Z (a 350 though. But nearly everyone does)... Lured me out to the smoking balcony, to breathe putrid air and get offered nachos (uggh, at least I had brought my bowl of Boca chili along as reason for refusal), but for an intervention of sorts primarily.

Apparently it actually IS odd to people that someone who possesses the ability to be generally pleasant would both actively and passively isolate himself (despite my best judgement)... So I guess I should be semi flattered that people have been whispering about me, and that in an Aaron-like fashion I've managed to generate artificial interest in myself.

I wonder if I'll become an entertainer once again.

Apparently people want to see me drunk, very badly. Why is that always? I don't particularly desire drink at all (and for sure, it'd only be gin/rocks, or with diet Shasta counterfiet Squirt for purity/health reasons), but well, I'd be a dick to refuse, and while I'll actively be antisocial, I won't actively be a dick, and have decided, won't let my dietary/health concerns impact family/social events (to a POINT... One binge/indulgence day a week). These are at least the nicer, younger, less trashy people, even if they're still not quite about my kind... I sit next to a fellow anime guy now though, however, and am "training" a new black guy, fresh out of the army, seeing as people have been tricked into thinking I can actually do my job, after seeing my $1000 bonus, which was mostly because I had excellent help on my team... Thankfully, I still do.

...

It seems that my fitness focus has also been noted, so I think I have a new gym buddy too, and even though I'm disasterously cheap lately, I suppose $15 for gym membership per month isn't SO bad when you consider the obstacles which come with my current running route (police, dogs, pointy things...), and the heat... Which isn't so much an obstacle, as it is something that makes me take that much longer to do my hair... I was going to craigslist a cheap treadmill, but whatever.

...I've been a disaster lately. For the sake of everyone around me, I guess I should be making a few more at least acquaintences, even if it's not necessarily what I even want to do. I have to pull myself back to a place where I can function. I think I'll actually try to just get over my guilt enough to take a few hours, a few dollars in gas, and surf this weekend, as I'm working mass overtime this week to avoid having to work the weekend anyway.

Maybe.